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15 Feb 2022
6 Min Read
Ailyn Low (Editor)
It’s possible to break the tradition of intrusive questions and statements during family gatherings. Read more to find out how.
With Chinese New Year coming to an end, we bid farewell to 15 days of joy, good fortune, and a list of statements and questions by different aunties and uncles, regardless of your age, that we may not have necessarily enjoyed answering to like:
“Wah. Faster get married la then don’t need to give you Ang Pao already!”
“Haiya, working as a game developer where can earn a lot of money one?”
“You let your daughter study overseas? What if they don’t come back and forget about you?”
For the sake of having a good time with your family and extended relatives, you gave a half-hearted laugh that you’d gladly replace with an eye roll if your mom wasn’t looking at the corner of her eye. Alternatively, you’d come across articles suggesting witty and humorous replies that you’d consider using those family and friends gatherings. Perhaps entertaining them with a comment or two would shut them up momentarily, albeit awkwardly, leaving just enough room for you to slip away from the scene.
Even as we tolerate these unnecessary and uncalled for yearly comments yet again, one wonders if we should do something more to fight against this continuing cycle? But for any change to happen, it’s important to understand the root of what caused it in the first place. Here are a few reasons:
Whether they’re asking nosy questions or making biased statements about your state of life, under most circumstances, they’re most probably asking out of curiosity and are ignorant to how they’re causing you to feel. Plus, seeing that you’re probably only seeing this group of people every once a year, they probably feel the need to get up-to-speed on your life.
You’ve probably heard this before, “Listen to your elders. We’ve experienced so much more before you.” Most of the time, when our relatives are giving advice, they don’t mean any harm. It’s important to understand that they’re coming from a place where they would rather you NOT experience the hardship they’ve gone through — although their lack of tack may sound hurtful or condescending.
“Ah when I was your age, I had all the questions and worse!” It’s quite typical, isn’t it? Termed as ‘identification with the aggressor’, many of those who have once been in your shoes and have been asked those questions once upon a time may feel like they’ve ‘earned’ it, akin to being a torchhbearer. Oftentimes, they may have also forgotten what it was like being asked those questions in the past.
Regardless of whether the questions are intended as a conversation starter or a way to get to know you better, we all need to make our own effort, no matter the size, to break the chains and cycle of intrusive questions.
But how do you even break an age-old cycle? Here are three things you can do to get started.
It’s easier to change yourself than to change the world. While our auto response to some of these statements may be annoyance, anger, or even feeling trapped, it’s useful to position yourself in their shoes, especially when you know the reasoning behind those comments. Instead of a snarky response, you’d be able to respond in kindness. This in no way means you should ignore your own feelings. Responding in a gentle and empathetic but firm manner can help turn the tables.
Responses like, “This isn’t something I’d like to talk about right now. But I’d love to hear more about what’s going on in your life!” or “Thanks for your concern. I’m happy with where I am now and that’s what matters.” If they’re not budging from the conversation, it’s ok to leave the conversation for your own mental health.
As much as we want to break this vicious and never-ending cycle, change will take time — let alone one that has stood firm in many cultures and families for a long time. So, as we prepare for change, we’ve to also accept that the inevitable questions will still happen. Challenging the norm would be akin to crossing into the unknown — scary, unpredictable, yet exciting.
Speaking up and responding about how you feel may not come as naturally to many, especially those who aren’t comfortable with confrontation. Try preparing yourself mentally before a gathering by listing down potential answers to the questions you know would be brought up. Alternatively, build your support system. Confiding with a close friend or relative about the way these questions make you feel prior to a gathering allows you to have support in getting out of any sticky situations.
You may have heard of the old adage, 'sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.’ However, nothing can be further from the truth.
Facing a crowd of people questioning what you have or have not done can be pressuring for anyone and can cause a lot of self-doubt over what you’ve achieved. The typical response? Tolerate the comment, feel a tad bit insulted, but move on. After all, it’s only once a year, right?
That’s where you come in. It’s important to stand tall and be proud of how far you’ve come in your own respective journeys. In fact, put a stop to those questions by sharing the values in life so they’ll have a glimpse of what’s more important to you. While there’s a possibility they may not agree with you (read as: gaslighting your opinions), respectfully step away from the conversation.
Remember, you don’t have to tolerate their behaviour or react to it if it upsets you.
So whether it’s during the next holiday or a big family gathering, try understanding the situation and realise where the person is coming from. Then, try these 3 simple steps to break that cycle. Remember, change starts with you!
